Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Censored For Your Comfort

I chose this because it was relative; wait, OMG, did I really just say that?

While searching for a document, I was surprised to discover a long lost file of out-takes.  These are lines I have removed from "things" I’ve written for one reason or another.  Although variable in specifics, the reason most of them were removed comes down to one thing.  People would get upset if they read them.  They're just so sensitive.
You can’t be mad because it makes people uncomfortable.  You can’t be happy because you'll make others feel worse.  Being snarky isn’t kosher because it implies someone may be stupid.  Being smart isn’t approved because others may feel stupid.  Yet curiously, being stupid is ok.

Being funny is off limits also.  How many of you remember SNL's Garrett Morris singing "I'm Gonna Get Me a Shotgun"?  That was hilarious, and I must point out, almost 40 years ago.
Are there some jokes that are just wrong?  Sure there are.  But who cares?  Why get your panties in a wad?  They are just words.  Yet, lie to someone, cheat someone, and even beat someone and people will find a way to promote you.  You'll be a star.

Cut down an old failing tree and someone will hate you for abusing greenery.  Don’t plant trees and you hate the Earth.  Plant trees and you’re a tree-hugger.  Eat salads and you’re ok.  What?
Don't dare discuss politics and religion.  Oh boy, if you want to offend people just start a conversation about these subjects.  The only things more offensive are people voting with a miniscule knowledge base and the Baptists from my home town who were among the biggest adulterers on the planet.
Let's not forget the sexes.  Try pointing out (-----content deleted for sensitivity purposes------). If you want to field third grade level complaints, just do that.
Heck, share your plans for handling a long term power outage, like the ones we've experienced in the past few years, and that too will land you in hot water.  Half your friends will call you a hippie and the others will label you a right wing extremist.  It's maddening I tell you.

Many friends; all of them; three have, at one point or another, asked , “Why do you write things you don’t intend to get published"?  That's a great question.  Unfortunately that too is something I can’t answer.  It would surely offend them.
For these reasons and more, nearly everything I've ever written has been brutally pruned (word hater) in an attempt to sterilize (Nazi) the paragraphs to a point the average reader (you arrogant prick) could finish them without needing to call their mothers (bully) and pray for my soul (Jesus hater).  Unfortunately, such parameters mean that 90% (bean counter) of everything I have ever written was cut down to ten words or less.  There is a positive though.

Saved on a portable drive is a file of all the things I’ve cut.  If you could see them you would be crying with laughter.  Well, let me rephrase that.  If there was a way to ensure nobody would know what it was you were laughing about, you would be crying with laughter.  Otherwise, your  tears would offend someone and we couldn't have that.
Even better are the reasons why you would laugh.  Disgust, surprise, and brutal honesty come to mind.  Of course some of them would make you cringe.  That’s normal though so don’t feel bad.  You’d only be reacting the way society wants.  Because of that, I have chosen to protect our friendship by not publishing them.  Hell, some of the worst ones are about me.  The knowledge of which pisses me off because I shouldn’t be withholding things from myself.  How in the world am I supposed to know what else is in there?  It’s certainly a tricky world.

Originally my plan was to toss a few of these items your way so that you would have an idea of the things I had cut.  Then I became upset with myself and called 911 to express concerns a lunatic may be living here.  Once the cops arrived I told them I was offended at how long it took them to get on scene and that I felt their uniforms looked oppressive.  After they threatened to beat me over the head, I shared with them what I intended to share with you.  And let me tell you, the sight of a sobbing policeman is not pretty.  Fortunately, the tears had just started when one of them suggested they to spend some time with their families and they hurried out the door.  That’s when I decided that maybe I should  find something not so over the top, something just a little funny, and put it out there for your reading pleasure.
What I have chosen is something that was cut from a pilot report.  Now that I look at it, I don't know why it was removed.  After all, it looks just like something you would read in AOPA Pilot; right?
“Of course I guess it’s possible the overly sensational powerplant confuses the issue like a padded bra and stilettos on a man.  But I’m pretty sure this old girl is the real thing.  She feels so good in your hands".

1 comment:

alex said...

Did I see this on Seinfeld?