Saturday, December 7, 2013

Maybe I'll Just Give Up and Give In

Wow, I just realized I’ve written and scratched a ton of writing over the past few weeks.  Keystrokes have been many but useful production low.  Looking it over I can only blame one thing; I’m worn out.
Yes, I’ve reached that point.  I’m about to give up and give in.  It would be so much easier to write one column once a month for some struggling publication.  There I would have a really good editor to catch my mistakes and yet I could write below average fluff pieces and get paid because I know what appeals to aviators - Flew the J-3 this morning and was intercepted by a P-51 flown by one of the girls from the Warbird Pinup calendar.  The GPS I was using allowed me to connect wirelessly to her via Bluetooth which made the entire flight safer.  Later we drank alcohol and cursed the FAA for not focusing on pilot pay.  User Fees.  Sleep apnea.  The end.
I can see the letters to the editor now:
“I really enjoy reading Dick Davis’s monthly column, “Sex, Drugs, Safety, and Flying”.  It seems to offer everything I’ve been looking for.  Please tell him to keep up the good work and to keep running into the pinups”
“I want to thank you for finally bringing to print, one of the finest characters in aviation, Dick Davis.  Somehow he speaks to me as if he’s been listening to the voices in my head.  Everything is right on.  PS – Please tell him to keep up the stories about the pinups and beer.”
“I have read your publication for many years but only now do I find myself eagerly awaiting its arrival each month.  Your new author, Dick Davis, well, he just seems to be the real deal.  It’s been forever since I read anything from anyone who spoke to GA as well as him.  And on top of that he’s a real character.  How else do you explain always running into pinups in warbirds who insist on buying the first round?  Great stuff”.
“I was reading the April issue of “Boring Aviation Publication That Gives Me Erectile Dysfunction” when out of nowhere I was hit with this great piece by your new author Dick Davis.  Where did you find that guy?  I sure would like to spend a day flying with him.  He’s one lucky man to run into all those beer drinking pinups, err, Martha Lunken, who was safely flying her P-51 equipped with the most recent electronics.  And to do so in a Cub, wow!  If Dick Davis ever needs an assistant I would like to volunteer.  In all my time flying I’ve never done that but he seems to do it every month.  I guess it’s the Cub.  Sleep apnea”.
“Is it true Dick Davis wanted to title his column “UP YOURS?  I was talking to these guys in a bar who used to fly with him and they said he once bit the head off a user fee while on stage”.  They also said he always told them if he ever got a monthly column he intended to title it “UP YOURS”.  So when I read his column and saw that he almost always seems to be running into those girls from the warbird pinup calendar while flying a J-3 off a strip behind a bar, and how he uses the latest electronics to improve both the safety of flight and his chances of spotting a P-51 while he tells the feds to f off I thought there may be some truth to it.  Myself, I think it should be called, “True Stories About Warbird Pinups and Beer”.  I hope you keep him around”.
“I called the other day to say thanks for bringing Dick Davis to the publication and was told he’d been fired for writing bogus material that would appeal to readers.  I was in shock.  Everything he wrote was right on the money.  And what does it matter; 90% of your magazine is advertorials disguised as copy anyway.   Pilots don’t care about honesty.  They just want a good story.  Letting Dick go was a serious mistake.  PS – I really enjoy the new Garmin panel I purchased after reading about it in your magazine”. From Mystified.
Editor response:  Dear Mystified,
We believe we were justified in our firing of Mr. Davis.  After his last article, CPAP P where he claimed to have  urinated on a CPAP machine after drinking beer from a helmet with pinups in a P-51 while using the latest electronics to make flying safer, we were compelled to let him go. Upon receiving his third and final warning that he needed to be plugging angle of attack indicators, he told the editor, "UP YOURS, no real pilot uses an angle of attack indicator" and left for Montana without telling anyone.  When we finally found him we attempted to negotiate a deal that would allow him to stay on staff.  Then he said he would consider the offer if each of us first told him what our favorite airplanes were.  Apparently "Cirrus, The Spartan Executive with a nosewheel, and Cherokee 140" were not the correct answers and things quickly got out of hand.  One of our employee's ear drums burst into flames due to his language, another was able to return to work this week after ten days of intense mental therapy, and as for myself I got away lucky having only to admit I was a vagina in order to keep my testicles (ironic).  Nobody knows for sure where he went after that although he said something about finding a Stuka, (whatever that is).  If you or any of our remaining 5 readers locate him, please tell him we'd like our wallets back.   By the way, I see that you indicated an interest in stick and rudder skills.  Did you read the article about using an angle of attack indicator in place of basic flying skills in the March 2013 edition?  If you liked what you saw, we can point you to several manufacturers of these fine instruments which greatly improve the safety.

The Best Part of Aviation Is
J-3 Cubs
Warbird Pinup Girls
Poll Maker


Anonymous said...

Would you roll me one of those?


Ken Bittner said...

If you happen to see Dick Davis wandering around your airport, please ask him how do I get one of those "angle of attack indicators" for my Vagabond.
I can't believe I've I've been flying all these years without one!
He can contact me via Bluetooth.

TOGWTCO said...

Did you mean "...from the bar behind the strip club..."?

TOGWTCO said...

Phil Hertel
The Old Guy With The Comb Over

Anonymous said...

Love it Rich! You're awesome. :)

We need more folks like you in aviation.

Leonard Weiser said...

Dick Davis really got fired because the editor didn't like that Dick refused to keep making references to the editor's Baron in his articles. Like, "I was flying the J-3 the other day and the editor, in his Baron, beat me to lunch by 20 minutes." Or "The blue line speed on my editor's Baron is nearly 1/3 faster than my indicated..." Or "I flew my editor in the J-3 to Bumpville Executive last week so that he could pick up his Baron after getting the AoA indicator installed..."

Unknown said...

These are awesome. I don't have to look much farther than the headline "AVGAS is lifeblood of GA" to understand my interests are not being represented.

Clay Smith

clem clements said...

I wish Dick Davis would *finally* get a Twitter handle. Then I could follow him AS he wrote all that amazing stuff!

Lardo said...

Please explain why the Corsair is not listed in the pole? Ya know... we're not ALL kool-aide drinkers. Some of us actually understand what a REAL warbird is. Mustang?! Pffff.

And just how am I suppose to choose between the J3 and them pin-up girls? While I may be an exception example... I am still only human.